Losing it.

I went hypomanic last month and am now suffering fallout. I had a great month. I got so much done, pictures organized, shelves cleaned and organized, clothes tried on and organized, organized, organized and organised! Then, as I couldn’t sleep, or relax, or stop my brain, and my body was breaking down from the constant physical and mental exertions, I called my shrink and she said to  up my mood stabilzer. But I didn’t want to up it too much, as it causes stupidity and dopyness and weight gain and a thousand other things. So I upped it enough to stop the busy, busy, busy of my body but my mind seems to just be getting worse. I am completely unstable emotionally.  I burst out crying or fall into a frantic rage over nothing. I punched the shit out of the fridge the other day cause I dropped my plate of food  (face down). I broke it off with my new boyfriend, said some unkind things to him, freaked out at my mother and stormed out, dropped a few friends, including one of over 20 years (for some felt slight), swore at hospital staff and have taken up drinking again. I’m thinking of running away up North and just disappearing from everyone’s life. I’m completely irrational and yet rational enough to know that. I probably should up my Seroquel more but ……Anyway, supposed to see my shrink next Tuesday. Will see if I last that long.

P.S. The hypomania caused me to drive myself physically so now my CFS is in major relapse, with swollen glands, sore throat, severely weakened limbs and constant exhaustion…so, yeah!


Detox concurrent disorders program

I attended the program and this time made it 11 days ūüė° I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off “ward” 2x in one day. I’d been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I’d started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn’t stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that’s an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.’ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it’s pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway. So, I’m still on that, but I haven’t abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn’t totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.

DETOX

Detox off prescription drugs and alcohol

Jan 25 2015

I am going into inpatient detox on Tuesday morning. ¬† They say how long I stay (2 or 3 weeks) will depend on how i cope with withdrawal. ¬†After withdrawal there is a 1 week program on keeping sober which i can attend or they might decide (we together that is) if a 28 day inpatient detox would be helpful. ¬†I’d like to keep an up to date running commentary on my detoxification/withdrawal but we have no use of electronics of any sort, so instead i will journal daily and when I’m allowed back on line I will post these reports, 2 or 3 days worth, or even just 1 day if it was a long entry. ¬†So keep your eyes out!! ¬†Here is a link to all my drugs I take, some are valid medical prescriptions, the ones I abuse and need to detox off of are: K-pins (clonazepam), Serax, Baclofen, Seroquel, Flexeril,¬†Lyrica,and Alcohol. ¬†I was checking all the interactions on a medical site and i will definitely O.D. if i don’t stop. ¬†Wish me luck!

Withdrawal (con’t)

Still fiddling with my psych meds. Have tried dropping Seroquel to 75 mg from 100 mg a few times but my anxiety, irritability, panic were too bad.  My dad is ill and quite disabled and I’m trying to help my mom care for him and it’s getting very stressful. I’ve decided I’m going to increase my clonazepam to 0.5mg 3x a day, which is double what I’m on now, but still half of what I was on. I kinda hate to do that because I’ve been working so dam hard to wean myself off this stuff, but I’m just too stressed.  I will drop it again and eventually go off it entirely when things calm down a bit. 
Then, with the boosted clonazepam, I plan to drop the seroquel to 50 mg, 25 at noon, 25 mg at night, and see if my nerves are ok that way. Then I will try no seroquel, just clonazepam.  If I find I still need a mood stabilizer,  I am going to talk to my Dr. about switching over to topimax. It’s an anti-seizure drug that also acts as a mood stabilizer, and unlike Seroquel, most people lose weight while on it, not pack on 35 lbs like most people do on seroquel.
So, I’m going to play around a bit and hope I don’t totally fuck myself up. Wish me luck and please let me know if you have any experience with topimax. Thanks.

Withdrawal off psych. meds

I’m¬† afraid I’m getting more antisocial as I get older, more things grate on my nerves, I don’t know why.¬†I feel like becoming a hermit.

Some of it may have to do with me and my Dr. weaning me off all these stupid psych. drugs I’ve been on, clonazepam for 5 years, seroquel for 3?¬† These drugs actually change your brain and how it works, and when you come off them you get rebound symptoms of why they put you on them in the first place but 5x worse.¬† That’s why I can only drop 1/4 tablet (0.25 mg) a month of the clonazepam.¬† I started at 3 mg, and am now down to 0.75 mg, so that’s good but I do get a lot of rebound anxiety. The other drug (quetiapine/seroquel) for mood swings/agitation/racing thoughts, I have reduced from 300 mg at the start of March to 100 mg.¬† Unfortunately, it’s going off the last bits of these drugs that causes the worse withdrawal symptoms.¬† I don’t care, I just want off them.  But it is making me kind of crazy : (

My Sordid Drug Affair

TWISTED!!!

TWISTED!!!

Drugs, drugs, drugs, which are good , which are bad

 

There is so much going on with me and drugs. ¬†Not illegal drugs, not for awhile now, around 4 years since I played that game, but prescription drugs, used as prescribed and otherwise. ¬†Today I took prescription drugs for recreation for the first time since Feb. 28th/2014. ¬†I know that doesn’t seem like a long time but I felt I was doing pretty good. ¬†I felt like drinking today, and I don’t know if it was because I argued with my boyfriend last night, and that triggered my borderline personality, or if it is because I am weaning myself off Seroquel (quetiepine?), which is my mood stabilizer for my borderline symptoms.

It’s weird because my borderline was not too bad for quite a while. ¬†I was only taking seroquel 25 mg for sleep for a long time. ¬†Then this last fall 2013 I slowly descended into depression, bad depression and my Paxil was not helping. I was taking 50mg and was barely functioning. I took a lot of my prescription drugs for recreation/off-label to numb myself. ¬†I was taking seroquel, clonazepam, morphine (dad’s), ativan (mom’s), lyrica, gabapentin etc. all together in all different combos. ¬†I was just curious if something might kill me off or at least take away the pain and give me a good high.

I became suicidal and in late Febuary I took whatever pills I could find and drank a pint of whiskey straight and ended up in the hospital. ¬†I was only in the short stay unit and what they decided to do was raise my Paxil to 60 mg, and increase my ¬†seroquel. They gave me 100 mg, then 200mg, then 300mg. They said they’d go to 600 mg if the side effects were not to severe, but I stopped them at 300 mg because I was a raging thirsty zombie.

So home I went and nothing happened, I was still just as depressed, I just slept through it all. March and most of April were just a blur of misery. I¬†ate, I slept, i watched TV, repeat. I couldn’t enjoy my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the outdoors, nada. ¬†SO, then, FINALLY, spring came to Nova Scotia. ¬†And I started to feel better. ¬†Just like that! I know I have S.A.D., I know NOW it’s getting more severe every year, and I told them that at the hospital, but they seemed more interested in labeling me as Bipolar 2 and/or Borderline Personality Disorder and stuffing me full of Seroquel to ‘control’ my moods. ¬†Whatever.

Now it’s May and I’m feeling pretty good mood wise. ¬†I had been on 3 mg Clonazepam/day since I was hospitalized in June. I decided to wean myself off, talked to my doctor and by dropping 0.25 mg every second week, starting in March, I am now at 1.5 mg Clonazepam/day and, knock on wood, it’s going OK, no withdrawal syndrome symptoms yet or anything. ¬†So that made me happy, so then, I thought, WELL, I feel pretty good, now it is time to start dropping my Seroquel. ¬†I talked to¬†the pharmacist and she said talk to my Dr., but I didn’t, because I already know what he would say, right, we all do, he’d be like, “no, stay where you’re at, it’s working to keep you stable, blah, blah, blah”, but the thing is, even though I know this is probably right, I want to try reducing it anyway, just to see if it is responsible for my better mood or not. ¬†A little experiment.

I dropped the Seroquel from 300 mg to 250 mg 2 weeks ago. ¬†I took 25mg a.m, 25 mg p.m., and 200 mg at night. ¬†All was fine, I felt better, more awake and aware, more motivated. Then last week I dropped another 50 mg, taking only 150 mg at night. ¬†AND NOW THE PROBLEM. ¬†I’m starting to feel a little too good, a little too happy, a little too excited, very, very talkative, motivated, and just darn, well, hypo-manic, I suppose. ¬†BUT, this may be a temporary state, a side effect of dropping the medicine, not the medicine itself . ¬†So, I’m going to stop reducing for now and WAIT AND SEE. ¬†Maybe I just need a few weeks to adjust to the new dose before I feel stable again?

But, herein lies a problem. ¬†I want to drink and I want to take pills, my borderline basics. ¬†I really wanted to get drunk but only had black rum and no mix, so I said, fuck it, I’ll do a pill mash up. ¬†And I took lyrica, clonazepam, seroquel and morphine. My promise to myself not to self medicate anymore down the drain. ¬†And I felt like shit. I had a few floaty moments but mostly I felt dizzy, nauseous, and wired but tired. ¬†Which is where I am now, very tired but too wound up from the lyrica (it always seems to make me hyper) to sleep. ¬†And realizing that the Seroquel is probably a necessity right now. ¬†Which I despise and hate.

So,there is my rant. It’s been a while, a long time, since I wrote, that was my mood and state of mind for the last year. ¬†So very, very unmotivated. ¬†Anyway, I hope to post more regularly, I wouldn’t want to disappoint my millions of followers! He He

Recent Events and Life Goals

Recently my bipolar went totally out of whack. ¬†I’d been put on Abilify to help supplement my Paxil as I’d been depressed since December. ¬†I was on it one month and it drove me into a terrible hypomanic state. ¬†I could not sleep, I was smoking and eating up a storm, and my boyfriend said my personality changed completely. ¬†After 1 month they took me off it but the effects kept lasting.

One day I went in for a scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist and kinda had a breakdown. ¬†I walked over to the emergency 20 minutes away (in my slippers – my feet were so swollen as a side effect), and after a couple of hours they checked me in. ¬†I only stayed 4 days, but they increased my Seroquel to 200 mg and set me up to start a day hospital program. ¬†I came home feeling better¬†and have been off the Abilify since June 4th. ¬†I am better off the Abilify (all the side effects are gone…finally), though I still get some breakthrough depression. ¬†I take 100 mg Seroquel at night and 25 to 50 mg during the day if I need it. ¬†I will continue to cut back as I am able.

Day Hospital is an intensive 6 week course, where you stay in the city and go to the hospital on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri.  It is from 9 AM to 2:30 pm on those days.  Wed. we have off to regroup and do our homework, rest etc.  Weekends we leave the lodge they set us up at, and come get and get reassigned to another room, which we share.  We get lunch supplied each day and my disability insurance may cover breakfast and supper at $5,50 each.  Not a lot, but a help.  I will have to get someone to come get me and bring me back on the weekends.  If I want to go home on Tues. night I can meet my sister at the bus stop on her way home from work and she can drop me off early Thurs. morning so I arrive there by 9 a.m..

My first appointment was an assessment and they gave me homework to do. ¬†The following is the 5 goals I had to come up with for my day hospital stay. ¬†I don’t know when I start yet, I’m doing a 3 day trial run at the end of this month to see if I like it, or can handle it, as it’s hard.

MY OVERALL PROGRAM GOALS

  • DAILY ROUTINE AND STRUCTURE IS MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS AND ALSO THE THING I NEED THE MOST IN MY LIFE. THE STRICTER FRAMEWORK I AM IN, THE BETTER I DO EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY, SO THIS IS PRIME.
  • I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I AM WITH MY FAMILY OR MY MAN OR BY MYSELF, THAT IS ABOUT IT. I NEED TO START TAKING TIME TO RECONNECT WITH MY FRIENDS, MAKE MORE FRIENDS, AND PARTICIPATE IN MORE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES AWAY FROM FAMILY.
  • I HAVE BEEN A CREATIVE PERSON IN THE PAST BUT HAVE LOST THE MOTIVATION AND DISCIPLINE OVER THE YEARS TO WRITE, PAINT, DRAW ETC. I WOULD LIKE TO RECONNECT WITH MY CREATIVE SIDE BY TAKING VARIOUS LESSONS IN GUITAR, PAINTING ETC.
  • MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS VERY POOR. I LACK ANY NUTRITIOUS WAY OF EATING, AM ADDICTED TO SUGAR/FAT, AND HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING IN ANY PROPER EXERCISE, EVEN STRETCHING OR WALKING, DUE TO LACK OF MOTIVATION. I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE TO A HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISE PLAN.
  • I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SCHOOL, FOUND THE ROUTINE AND CHALLENGE TO HELP KEEP ME STABLE AND WOULD LOVE TO RETURN. IT WOULD BE PART TIME AS A DISABLED STUDENT, WORKING TOWARDS A B.A. IN ANTHROPOLOGY. MONEY, TRANSPORT, AND CONSISTENT ENERGY HAVE BARRED ME FROM REACHING THIS GOAL SO FAR.

So this is what I came up with.  Any comments??  I also had a to fill out a 6 page Story of my Life essay, I might post that later.   Wish me luck as I go off for my trial run.

PS I got a puppy 1 month ago, during my manic phase, I’m not sorry I love him to death, but it will be so hard to leave him with my boyfriend for 6 weeks that I don;t know if I’ll be able to do it. ¬†Here are some pics of him. ¬†It is my sister’s dog withIMAG0146 IMAG0150 920945_10151704064090465_1113639015_o 2013-06-14 18.40.25 him.1049082_10151704065310465_1282796056_o