Guilt and Shame

A good, concise piece from a fellow blogger, who suffers from CFS and depression, about the feelings of guilt and shame many of us live with.

 

The Fight Against Myself

Having an invisible illness brings a lot of judgement and opinions from others and a lot of time it’s negative and hurtful.  Living with Depression and Chronic Fatigue is hard enough as it is without other people making me feel worse about something I cannot change.

Before my Fiancé met me, he had never met someone affected by depression and anxiety and I think it shocked him to see how much it affected me.  He didn’t understand Depression and it took a while for him to get used to the condition but he made the effort to learn about it and support me as much as possible.  The anxiety was hard for him to deal with because he is such an outgoing person who loves to socialise and it caused a lot of stress in the relationship but we both eventually learned how to compromise and he learned my boundaries and…

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TRUCE?

Getting mad, frustrated, anxious. My CFS has been in a slump for ages. My significant other says I’m losing the battle against fatigue, but I don’t like to think of it as a battle but more of a cold war. I’m just trying to establish some neutral ground and call a truce.

A Poem – by me : )

Isolation

Isolation

A Different World

The snow is gone

Time to move on

On and away

Further each day/

Wing away

Carried, buoyed,

Lifted by wind

Pursued by mediocrity/

Run and running

Fly, flee this trap

Fly away/

Over hills

Mountains

Valleys

                                                                               To a different world/

To a spot

Quiet and barren

To Sit 

Think/

Think of Nothingness

Think of blankness

Think of Insanity /

Quiet

Empty 

Towering bare faced rocks/

Surrounded by Earth

Mother Earth

Pebbles Dust/

Stretch, languish

Lie

Cradled

Listening to the Silence

Of my own mind/

Listening to the Silence

Of the rocks and dirt

Absorb the sun/

Wait here forever

While the mind rots

And blanks

And the quiet speaks/

I am one

Alone/

Dirt sun rock

Impassive around me

While I slowly go Insane/

Then fly away

To a different world

©Desdemonad

Recent Events and Life Goals

Recently my bipolar went totally out of whack.  I’d been put on Abilify to help supplement my Paxil as I’d been depressed since December.  I was on it one month and it drove me into a terrible hypomanic state.  I could not sleep, I was smoking and eating up a storm, and my boyfriend said my personality changed completely.  After 1 month they took me off it but the effects kept lasting.

One day I went in for a scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist and kinda had a breakdown.  I walked over to the emergency 20 minutes away (in my slippers – my feet were so swollen as a side effect), and after a couple of hours they checked me in.  I only stayed 4 days, but they increased my Seroquel to 200 mg and set me up to start a day hospital program.  I came home feeling better and have been off the Abilify since June 4th.  I am better off the Abilify (all the side effects are gone…finally), though I still get some breakthrough depression.  I take 100 mg Seroquel at night and 25 to 50 mg during the day if I need it.  I will continue to cut back as I am able.

Day Hospital is an intensive 6 week course, where you stay in the city and go to the hospital on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri.  It is from 9 AM to 2:30 pm on those days.  Wed. we have off to regroup and do our homework, rest etc.  Weekends we leave the lodge they set us up at, and come get and get reassigned to another room, which we share.  We get lunch supplied each day and my disability insurance may cover breakfast and supper at $5,50 each.  Not a lot, but a help.  I will have to get someone to come get me and bring me back on the weekends.  If I want to go home on Tues. night I can meet my sister at the bus stop on her way home from work and she can drop me off early Thurs. morning so I arrive there by 9 a.m..

My first appointment was an assessment and they gave me homework to do.  The following is the 5 goals I had to come up with for my day hospital stay.  I don’t know when I start yet, I’m doing a 3 day trial run at the end of this month to see if I like it, or can handle it, as it’s hard.

MY OVERALL PROGRAM GOALS

  • DAILY ROUTINE AND STRUCTURE IS MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS AND ALSO THE THING I NEED THE MOST IN MY LIFE. THE STRICTER FRAMEWORK I AM IN, THE BETTER I DO EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY, SO THIS IS PRIME.
  • I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I AM WITH MY FAMILY OR MY MAN OR BY MYSELF, THAT IS ABOUT IT. I NEED TO START TAKING TIME TO RECONNECT WITH MY FRIENDS, MAKE MORE FRIENDS, AND PARTICIPATE IN MORE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES AWAY FROM FAMILY.
  • I HAVE BEEN A CREATIVE PERSON IN THE PAST BUT HAVE LOST THE MOTIVATION AND DISCIPLINE OVER THE YEARS TO WRITE, PAINT, DRAW ETC. I WOULD LIKE TO RECONNECT WITH MY CREATIVE SIDE BY TAKING VARIOUS LESSONS IN GUITAR, PAINTING ETC.
  • MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS VERY POOR. I LACK ANY NUTRITIOUS WAY OF EATING, AM ADDICTED TO SUGAR/FAT, AND HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING IN ANY PROPER EXERCISE, EVEN STRETCHING OR WALKING, DUE TO LACK OF MOTIVATION. I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE TO A HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISE PLAN.
  • I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SCHOOL, FOUND THE ROUTINE AND CHALLENGE TO HELP KEEP ME STABLE AND WOULD LOVE TO RETURN. IT WOULD BE PART TIME AS A DISABLED STUDENT, WORKING TOWARDS A B.A. IN ANTHROPOLOGY. MONEY, TRANSPORT, AND CONSISTENT ENERGY HAVE BARRED ME FROM REACHING THIS GOAL SO FAR.

So this is what I came up with.  Any comments??  I also had a to fill out a 6 page Story of my Life essay, I might post that later.   Wish me luck as I go off for my trial run.

PS I got a puppy 1 month ago, during my manic phase, I’m not sorry I love him to death, but it will be so hard to leave him with my boyfriend for 6 weeks that I don;t know if I’ll be able to do it.  Here are some pics of him.  It is my sister’s dog withIMAG0146 IMAG0150 920945_10151704064090465_1113639015_o 2013-06-14 18.40.25 him.1049082_10151704065310465_1282796056_o

Depression

Depression

A wonderful, sad, funny look at severe depression – with Allie’s (the author’s) drawings!!!

At first, I’d try to explain that it’s not really negativity or sadness anymore, it’s more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can’t feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you’re horribly bored and lonely, but since you’ve lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you’re stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is. -Allie

Feeling nothing

Feeling nothing

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.ca/