Cautionary letter to my young cousin using drugs/booze

Hi_____! So you’re 14 now! That’s excellent.  I hear you’ve been getting into the party scene heavily though, and because of my experience with that (a LOT of experience) I just have to say a few words. Just read and consider them, that’s all I’m asking. Then, at least, I’ll know I tried to save you some pain.

Drinking and drugs seem like great fun when you’re young, a way to hang out with your friends and feel happy and included, but in the long run it leads to a lot of pain, shame, guilt and a host of other problems.

I started drinking and drugging at 14 too, and by 25 it had left me pretty much badly broken, mentally and physically, and with a huge amount of baggage I’m still trying to deal with.

I was arrested 3x before I hit 18 from doing crazy things while drunk or/and on drugs. I had to go before a judge, do community service (a lot), and was on probation each time. I nearly got sent to reform school and nearly had a permanent record.

Because of drinking/drugs I ended up sleeping with a lot of men who were just using me (drunk girls are easy prey), so I ended up with no self esteem and had no self worth. I exposed myself to disease, and dangerous situations with strangers.  Getting over the results took 100’s of hours of intense therapy.

I ended up with unwanted pregnancy twice, both which ended in horrible miscarriages that nearly killed me mentally and physically (nearly bled to death). The more I drank and did drugs the more fucked up stuff I got involved in. I ended up in an abusive relationship, getting beat on for a year, which has left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I ended up getting held against my will 3x by very drunk/high men with weapons, also contributing to my PTSD. I have constant nightmares and panic attacks  and can’t let myself trust men much at all.

The more I drank the more I needed to drink, to bury all the horrible emotions that came from all the things that happened because I was drunk or stoned. I lost a lot of good friends in the long run and did horribly embarrassing things. I had blackouts from binge drinking where I’d end up in some man’s bed, who I didn’t know, with no remembrance how I got there. I fell down stairs, smashed teeth, broke bones, and got concussions from drunkenly smashing into things. I hit people and was hit.

All this made my already present depression and anxiety worsen. It fed my Borderline Personality Disorder.  I ended up in detox twice, trying to get clean and the hospital several times, with nervous breakdowns.

So, please, save yourself all the pain. I know it’s hard when that’s what your friends are doing, I know it’s so easy and tempting to just go along and have the ‘fun’, but it often turns bad in the end, very bad, and you’re the one that’s left suffering. I just want to try and save you from all the things I went through, and how I ended up.

Do ANYTHING else instead. Get new friends who don’t party, or get a job, or throw yourself into something you love, or try to find something you love. Try painting or photography or writing or sports. Anything that will keep you focused on doing something you are really passionate about and away from drugs and drinking. Cause it’s a long, crazy, painful, traumatic road it will lead you down and you will end up feeling one way in the end…..like shit about yourself and fucked up.

I could go on and on about tons of other things that happened to me when I was drinking/drugging, but I won’t.  I hope you read this and think about it. I care about you and really want you to have a good life in the future, but you won’t find it in alcohol/ drugs of any kind. So do yourself a HUGE favour, get away from it, far, far away, and you’ll have a better chance at a decent life. Take it from one who knows and loves you.

So discouraged

I’m not having an easy time lately. My mental health is iffy with a lot of anxiety, for months now, and depression setting in pretty hard this week. I’m in constant pain because of my back and something is going on with my CFS/ME. I’m completely drained and mostly bedridden. Because of this I missed three physiotherapy sessions, plus one of my DBT coping skills classes.

I’m so very, very frustrated . ¬†I have no answers. I just have to try to hold on, rest, get to physiotherapy and class when I’m able, and wait till January 10th to see my psychiatrist for possible solutions to lessen this gnawing anxiety and boost my mood a bit. Having my paxil poop out on me after 10 years has created a real disruption in my mood and trying all these new drugs has been a year long, not to successful trial.

My suicidal idealisation is becoming stronger each day as I feel I’m just too worn out to keep trying. If the thoughts get too strong I’ll have to go to the hospital, but I really don’t even have the motivation to deal with all that shit. Hours and hours waiting and I’m usually told there is no space, so they just increase my meds and tell me to go home. I’m just so tired of it all. I only keep going for my family. I’ll end this on a note of gratitude for them, the support they give me, the love and understanding .

Pills, pills, everywhere – Supplements

These are all my nutritionals I take to try to give me more energy and make up for deficiencies, keep free radicals in check by being antioxidants, keep my insides moving, and make up for poor eating habits. I’d love to hear if there is anything you take that you find helpful.

Probiotic 30 billion cells x1/day
Magnesium Oxide 400 mg x2/day
B12 1000mcg x2/day
Vit D 1000 IU x 3/day
Greens + Multi 1 scoop daily (excellent source of vit A)
Bodylogix Woman’s Protien/Fibre powder 1 scoop/daily (helps me meet my protien/fibre goals)
Vit B50 x1/day
Vit C 500 mg 4-2x/day
Coenzyme Q 200 mg x1/day
Zinc 25 mg x1/day
Sea-Sel-200 Trace Mineral x1/day (mostly selenium)
Ecological Formulas Tri-salts (keep pH balanced and is an anti-drug) 1/2 tsp x2/day
Ultra Fibre 3 tabs/daily
Ca/Vit D chews x2/day (600mg Ca/400IU)
FeraMAX 150 Iron tab x1/week
Potassium Chloride/Gluconate 1/2 tsp (1200mg) daily
Krill Oil 1gram x1/day
Cranberry concentrate 1x/day (prevent bladder infections to which I’m prone)
Manganese 50 mcg (for prescription drug detoxification)
Psyllium (for bowels) 1 tbsp daily
Vita-Vim multi vitamin

This is just what has been suggested to me by various doctors, do not take anything without a doctor’s or nutritionists advice. I do not endorse or promote any particular named brands.