Cautionary letter to my young cousin using drugs/booze

Hi_____! So you’re 14 now! That’s excellent.  I hear you’ve been getting into the party scene heavily though, and because of my experience with that (a LOT of experience) I just have to say a few words. Just read and consider them, that’s all I’m asking. Then, at least, I’ll know I tried to save you some pain.

Drinking and drugs seem like great fun when you’re young, a way to hang out with your friends and feel happy and included, but in the long run it leads to a lot of pain, shame, guilt and a host of other problems.

I started drinking and drugging at 14 too, and by 25 it had left me pretty much badly broken, mentally and physically, and with a huge amount of baggage I’m still trying to deal with.

I was arrested 3x before I hit 18 from doing crazy things while drunk or/and on drugs. I had to go before a judge, do community service (a lot), and was on probation each time. I nearly got sent to reform school and nearly had a permanent record.

Because of drinking/drugs I ended up sleeping with a lot of men who were just using me (drunk girls are easy prey), so I ended up with no self esteem and had no self worth. I exposed myself to disease, and dangerous situations with strangers.  Getting over the results took 100’s of hours of intense therapy.

I ended up with unwanted pregnancy twice, both which ended in horrible miscarriages that nearly killed me mentally and physically (nearly bled to death). The more I drank and did drugs the more fucked up stuff I got involved in. I ended up in an abusive relationship, getting beat on for a year, which has left me with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I ended up getting held against my will 3x by very drunk/high men with weapons, also contributing to my PTSD. I have constant nightmares and panic attacks  and can’t let myself trust men much at all.

The more I drank the more I needed to drink, to bury all the horrible emotions that came from all the things that happened because I was drunk or stoned. I lost a lot of good friends in the long run and did horribly embarrassing things. I had blackouts from binge drinking where I’d end up in some man’s bed, who I didn’t know, with no remembrance how I got there. I fell down stairs, smashed teeth, broke bones, and got concussions from drunkenly smashing into things. I hit people and was hit.

All this made my already present depression and anxiety worsen. It fed my Borderline Personality Disorder.  I ended up in detox twice, trying to get clean and the hospital several times, with nervous breakdowns.

So, please, save yourself all the pain. I know it’s hard when that’s what your friends are doing, I know it’s so easy and tempting to just go along and have the ‘fun’, but it often turns bad in the end, very bad, and you’re the one that’s left suffering. I just want to try and save you from all the things I went through, and how I ended up.

Do ANYTHING else instead. Get new friends who don’t party, or get a job, or throw yourself into something you love, or try to find something you love. Try painting or photography or writing or sports. Anything that will keep you focused on doing something you are really passionate about and away from drugs and drinking. Cause it’s a long, crazy, painful, traumatic road it will lead you down and you will end up feeling one way in the end…..like shit about yourself and fucked up.

I could go on and on about tons of other things that happened to me when I was drinking/drugging, but I won’t.  I hope you read this and think about it. I care about you and really want you to have a good life in the future, but you won’t find it in alcohol/ drugs of any kind. So do yourself a HUGE favour, get away from it, far, far away, and you’ll have a better chance at a decent life. Take it from one who knows and loves you.

Detox concurrent disorders program

I attended the program and this time made it 11 days ūüė° I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off “ward” 2x in one day. I’d been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I’d started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn’t stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that’s an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.’ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it’s pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway. So, I’m still on that, but I haven’t abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn’t totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.

TRY TRY Again – Concurrent Disorder Program

Well, I now have an appointment for an assessment for an inpatient (3-4 weeks) program that provides graduated detox plus groups, activities, recreation, etc. every day, much more structured. I will talk to them and maybe see what that is like, sounds like they keep you pretty busy so you’re not just sitting biding your time but getting coping skills, assertiveness, relapse prevention skills. ¬†it is a concurrent disorders program. Here is a blurb on the philosophy of concurrent disorders programs.

Concurrent Disorders

Concurrent disorders describes a condition in which a person has both a mental illness and a substance use problem. This term is a general one and refers to a wide range of mental illnesses and addictions. For example, someone with schizophrenia who abuses cannabis has a concurrent disorder, as does an individual who suffers from chronic depression and who is also an alcoholic. Treatment approaches for each case could be quite different.   People with concurrent disorders are frequently misidentified, as diagnosis can be more difficult because one disorder can mimic another. Relapse rates for substance use are higher for people with a concurrent mental disorder, as are the chances that symptoms of mental illness will return for those with a concurrent substance use problem. Depending on the setting, prevalence rates for concurrent disorders have been found to range from 20 to 80 percent.2  What is known conclusively, however, is that people with mental illness have much higher rates of addiction than people in the general population. Similarly, individuals with an addiction have much higher rates of mental illness than people in the general population. One large US study found that approximately a third of people with a mental or alcohol disorder had a concurrent disorder, and half of the people with drug problems had a mental disorder. A smaller study in Edmonton, Alberta had similar findings. In this study, almost a third of mentally ill individuals also had a substance use problem, almost a third of those with alcohol dependency also had a psychiatric diagnosis, and among illicit drug users, almost half had a mental illness.3  clients have the best success when both problems are addressed at the same time, in a co-ordinated way. The treatment approach usually depends on the type and severity of the person’s problems. A person might receive psychosocial treatments (individual or group therapy) or biological treatments (medications), or often both.

DETOX

Detox off prescription drugs and alcohol

Jan 25 2015

I am going into inpatient detox on Tuesday morning. ¬† They say how long I stay (2 or 3 weeks) will depend on how i cope with withdrawal. ¬†After withdrawal there is a 1 week program on keeping sober which i can attend or they might decide (we together that is) if a 28 day inpatient detox would be helpful. ¬†I’d like to keep an up to date running commentary on my detoxification/withdrawal but we have no use of electronics of any sort, so instead i will journal daily and when I’m allowed back on line I will post these reports, 2 or 3 days worth, or even just 1 day if it was a long entry. ¬†So keep your eyes out!! ¬†Here is a link to all my drugs I take, some are valid medical prescriptions, the ones I abuse and need to detox off of are: K-pins (clonazepam), Serax, Baclofen, Seroquel, Flexeril,¬†Lyrica,and Alcohol. ¬†I was checking all the interactions on a medical site and i will definitely O.D. if i don’t stop. ¬†Wish me luck!

Pills, pills, everywhere – Supplements

These are all my nutritionals I take to try to give me more energy and make up for deficiencies, keep free radicals in check by being antioxidants, keep my insides moving, and make up for poor eating habits. I’d love to hear if there is anything you take that you find helpful.

Probiotic 30 billion cells x1/day
Magnesium Oxide 400 mg x2/day
B12 1000mcg x2/day
Vit D 1000 IU x 3/day
Greens + Multi 1 scoop daily (excellent source of vit A)
Bodylogix Woman’s Protien/Fibre powder 1 scoop/daily (helps me meet my protien/fibre goals)
Vit B50 x1/day
Vit C 500 mg 4-2x/day
Coenzyme Q 200 mg x1/day
Zinc 25 mg x1/day
Sea-Sel-200 Trace Mineral x1/day (mostly selenium)
Ecological Formulas Tri-salts (keep pH balanced and is an anti-drug) 1/2 tsp x2/day
Ultra Fibre 3 tabs/daily
Ca/Vit D chews x2/day (600mg Ca/400IU)
FeraMAX 150 Iron tab x1/week
Potassium Chloride/Gluconate 1/2 tsp (1200mg) daily
Krill Oil 1gram x1/day
Cranberry concentrate 1x/day (prevent bladder infections to which I’m prone)
Manganese 50 mcg (for prescription drug detoxification)
Psyllium (for bowels) 1 tbsp daily
Vita-Vim multi vitamin

This is just what has been suggested to me by various doctors, do not take anything without a doctor’s or nutritionists advice. I do not endorse or promote any particular named brands.

My Sordid Drug Affair

TWISTED!!!

TWISTED!!!

Drugs, drugs, drugs, which are good , which are bad

 

There is so much going on with me and drugs. ¬†Not illegal drugs, not for awhile now, around 4 years since I played that game, but prescription drugs, used as prescribed and otherwise. ¬†Today I took prescription drugs for recreation for the first time since Feb. 28th/2014. ¬†I know that doesn’t seem like a long time but I felt I was doing pretty good. ¬†I felt like drinking today, and I don’t know if it was because I argued with my boyfriend last night, and that triggered my borderline personality, or if it is because I am weaning myself off Seroquel (quetiepine?), which is my mood stabilizer for my borderline symptoms.

It’s weird because my borderline was not too bad for quite a while. ¬†I was only taking seroquel 25 mg for sleep for a long time. ¬†Then this last fall 2013 I slowly descended into depression, bad depression and my Paxil was not helping. I was taking 50mg and was barely functioning. I took a lot of my prescription drugs for recreation/off-label to numb myself. ¬†I was taking seroquel, clonazepam, morphine (dad’s), ativan (mom’s), lyrica, gabapentin etc. all together in all different combos. ¬†I was just curious if something might kill me off or at least take away the pain and give me a good high.

I became suicidal and in late Febuary I took whatever pills I could find and drank a pint of whiskey straight and ended up in the hospital. ¬†I was only in the short stay unit and what they decided to do was raise my Paxil to 60 mg, and increase my ¬†seroquel. They gave me 100 mg, then 200mg, then 300mg. They said they’d go to 600 mg if the side effects were not to severe, but I stopped them at 300 mg because I was a raging thirsty zombie.

So home I went and nothing happened, I was still just as depressed, I just slept through it all. March and most of April were just a blur of misery. I¬†ate, I slept, i watched TV, repeat. I couldn’t enjoy my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the outdoors, nada. ¬†SO, then, FINALLY, spring came to Nova Scotia. ¬†And I started to feel better. ¬†Just like that! I know I have S.A.D., I know NOW it’s getting more severe every year, and I told them that at the hospital, but they seemed more interested in labeling me as Bipolar 2 and/or Borderline Personality Disorder and stuffing me full of Seroquel to ‘control’ my moods. ¬†Whatever.

Now it’s May and I’m feeling pretty good mood wise. ¬†I had been on 3 mg Clonazepam/day since I was hospitalized in June. I decided to wean myself off, talked to my doctor and by dropping 0.25 mg every second week, starting in March, I am now at 1.5 mg Clonazepam/day and, knock on wood, it’s going OK, no withdrawal syndrome symptoms yet or anything. ¬†So that made me happy, so then, I thought, WELL, I feel pretty good, now it is time to start dropping my Seroquel. ¬†I talked to¬†the pharmacist and she said talk to my Dr., but I didn’t, because I already know what he would say, right, we all do, he’d be like, “no, stay where you’re at, it’s working to keep you stable, blah, blah, blah”, but the thing is, even though I know this is probably right, I want to try reducing it anyway, just to see if it is responsible for my better mood or not. ¬†A little experiment.

I dropped the Seroquel from 300 mg to 250 mg 2 weeks ago. ¬†I took 25mg a.m, 25 mg p.m., and 200 mg at night. ¬†All was fine, I felt better, more awake and aware, more motivated. Then last week I dropped another 50 mg, taking only 150 mg at night. ¬†AND NOW THE PROBLEM. ¬†I’m starting to feel a little too good, a little too happy, a little too excited, very, very talkative, motivated, and just darn, well, hypo-manic, I suppose. ¬†BUT, this may be a temporary state, a side effect of dropping the medicine, not the medicine itself . ¬†So, I’m going to stop reducing for now and WAIT AND SEE. ¬†Maybe I just need a few weeks to adjust to the new dose before I feel stable again?

But, herein lies a problem. ¬†I want to drink and I want to take pills, my borderline basics. ¬†I really wanted to get drunk but only had black rum and no mix, so I said, fuck it, I’ll do a pill mash up. ¬†And I took lyrica, clonazepam, seroquel and morphine. My promise to myself not to self medicate anymore down the drain. ¬†And I felt like shit. I had a few floaty moments but mostly I felt dizzy, nauseous, and wired but tired. ¬†Which is where I am now, very tired but too wound up from the lyrica (it always seems to make me hyper) to sleep. ¬†And realizing that the Seroquel is probably a necessity right now. ¬†Which I despise and hate.

So,there is my rant. It’s been a while, a long time, since I wrote, that was my mood and state of mind for the last year. ¬†So very, very unmotivated. ¬†Anyway, I hope to post more regularly, I wouldn’t want to disappoint my millions of followers! He He

Bad Slip – Binge and Over-Medication

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up depressed, stressed and anxious. It seems that the increased dose of Seroquel (200 mg) is doing absolutely nothing for my depression or borderline or mood swings or anything except helping me to sleep.   Because I felt so horrible all day I turned to my 2 main crutches at the moment, food and over-medicating.

First I started with the ice cream, then¬†more ice cream with smarties on top. ¬†I’ve already gained so much weight lately, between the Abilify and the Seroquel, so eating like this just maKES ME MORE DEPRESSED AS I COMTEMPLATE MY FAT. I’VE GAINED ABOUT 20 LBS OR 25 Maybe. ¬†(sorry, caps on, too lazy to retype). ¬† I then mixed up a quarter batch of brownie batter from the Fry’s cocoa jar recipe and ate that raw. ¬†Between the ice cream, smarties and raw brownie dough I racked up 1800 calories, over my limit of 1600 per day (my calorie goal for losing 3 lbs month). ¬†But I didn’t just eat that, I ate my regular meals too so I ended up at 3061 calories for the day.

Then I became really depressed so I took a clonazepam, 2 75 mg Lyrica and 100 mg seroquel. ¬†This combo bombs me out, right into outer space, I get stoned off lyrica for some reason and the clonazepam boosts that. ¬†Don’t know why I added in the seroquel but I woke up this morning still very stoned.

Now today, I took a clonazepam and 2 lyrica ¬†again but don’t feel ‘high’ enough to escape myself, and my fat, so I’m taking another clonazepam and 25 mg seroquel. ¬†I also just finished whipping up and eating another 1/4 batch of brownie dough and eating it raw. ¬†God, I hate myself. ¬†I better get into day hospital fast before i end up O.D.’d or just fat beyond belief, with diabetes to boost, slow suicide.

Today doesn’t suck as bad, I guess because I was still stoned this morning and have kept myself that way, so excuse me if this is rambling a lot. ¬†Got to get ¬†a¬†hold of myself. ¬†My shrink told me if I played with my meds like that she’d dump me, but really I don’t give a $%^%&&^ right now, she’ll never know anyway, I’m a great liar. ¬†Loathing Myself,¬†Dee.Image