How I Experience Depression 

​ When I’m becoming  depressed I usually start off eating a lot of junk food, staring at the TV for hours, avoiding all phone calls, people and situations. I sleep 15-20 hours a day and don’t care. I don’t take care of my hygiene or eat or drink enough. I self medicate with benzodiazepines. And I obsess about everything in my past and worry constantly about the future. I get extremely irritable and anxious and sometimes quite agitated. I often think of overdosing several times a day.

 I do see a physiatrist but we can not seem to find the right meds since last year when my Paxil stopped working.  My depression always gets worse in the winter from having S.A.D, but I also suffer from bipolar depression, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder mood swings, plus have a chronic illness. It all adds up!!  How does your depression affect you? 

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Adrenal insufficiency 

​It seems a lot of my current symptoms turned out to be related to my Addison’s, not my CFS or depression alone. I increased my hydrocortisone from 20 mg to 40 mg and feel completely different. Normally this is the ‘stress’ dose used when the body has an infection, Injury etc., but I’m staying on it for awhile, until my adrenals recover. 

When my cortisol is too low, it means my adrenals are not producing enough. The most common symptoms are severe fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle weakness, irritability, and depression. These are the exact things I’ve been having but I just thought it was my CFS acting up, an infection, seasonal depression and a stomach flu. Now all my symptoms are gone.

I’ll be seeing my endocrinologist in March. We need to get my dose straightened out so this doesn’t happen again. What a waste I didn’t realize sooner.

Guilt and Shame

A good, concise piece from a fellow blogger, who suffers from CFS and depression, about the feelings of guilt and shame many of us live with.

 

The Fight Against Myself

Having an invisible illness brings a lot of judgement and opinions from others and a lot of time it’s negative and hurtful.  Living with Depression and Chronic Fatigue is hard enough as it is without other people making me feel worse about something I cannot change.

Before my Fiancé met me, he had never met someone affected by depression and anxiety and I think it shocked him to see how much it affected me.  He didn’t understand Depression and it took a while for him to get used to the condition but he made the effort to learn about it and support me as much as possible.  The anxiety was hard for him to deal with because he is such an outgoing person who loves to socialise and it caused a lot of stress in the relationship but we both eventually learned how to compromise and he learned my boundaries and…

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Struggling 

I have not been well the last 2 weeks and only managed 3 walks  (6 min) per week. I feel completely drained.  I think it’s from the very busy days I have on Thursdays. I go to physiotherapy, have a 2 hour class and drive 1 1/2 hours plus usually run an errand, like picking up my mail, after weeks unattended.

Anyway, I am bedridden 3 day’s after, not able to cook or even get enough fluids down me. I feel extremely weak. I don’t know if the severe fatigue is from having such a busy day on Thursday or the core building exercises the physiotherapist gave me, or a combination of both.

I HAVE to do the exercises though. My back has been so bad since January, and the pain is not helping my fatigue or overall mood. They would be easy exercises for most, but they are difficult and tiring for me because of my severe deconditioning. I do still do them almost every day, even if it’s the only thing I can do.

I’m really worried about this week as I have physiotherapy tomorrow and Thursday plus class. Wish me luck.

Update: missed Tuesday physiotherapy session as too exhausted.  Am becoming increasingly depressed, agitated and anxious.  I have no motivation and barely care about anything. I don’t see my psychiatrist till mid January. I don’t know if this is S.A.D, my my dad’s recent death or medication related. Sucks.

TRY TRY Again – Concurrent Disorder Program

Well, I now have an appointment for an assessment for an inpatient (3-4 weeks) program that provides graduated detox plus groups, activities, recreation, etc. every day, much more structured. I will talk to them and maybe see what that is like, sounds like they keep you pretty busy so you’re not just sitting biding your time but getting coping skills, assertiveness, relapse prevention skills.  it is a concurrent disorders program. Here is a blurb on the philosophy of concurrent disorders programs.

Concurrent Disorders

Concurrent disorders describes a condition in which a person has both a mental illness and a substance use problem. This term is a general one and refers to a wide range of mental illnesses and addictions. For example, someone with schizophrenia who abuses cannabis has a concurrent disorder, as does an individual who suffers from chronic depression and who is also an alcoholic. Treatment approaches for each case could be quite different.   People with concurrent disorders are frequently misidentified, as diagnosis can be more difficult because one disorder can mimic another. Relapse rates for substance use are higher for people with a concurrent mental disorder, as are the chances that symptoms of mental illness will return for those with a concurrent substance use problem. Depending on the setting, prevalence rates for concurrent disorders have been found to range from 20 to 80 percent.2  What is known conclusively, however, is that people with mental illness have much higher rates of addiction than people in the general population. Similarly, individuals with an addiction have much higher rates of mental illness than people in the general population. One large US study found that approximately a third of people with a mental or alcohol disorder had a concurrent disorder, and half of the people with drug problems had a mental disorder. A smaller study in Edmonton, Alberta had similar findings. In this study, almost a third of mentally ill individuals also had a substance use problem, almost a third of those with alcohol dependency also had a psychiatric diagnosis, and among illicit drug users, almost half had a mental illness.3  clients have the best success when both problems are addressed at the same time, in a co-ordinated way. The treatment approach usually depends on the type and severity of the person’s problems. A person might receive psychosocial treatments (individual or group therapy) or biological treatments (medications), or often both.

Couldn’t do it

Well, I only lasted 3 days¸ it wasn’t the detoxing part it was the place itself. We had one 100 foot hallway we could walk up and down (and up and down, and up…..you get the idea), no groups or therapy, just sitting and waiting, every hour like a day. I couldn’t cope with being locked up there. So now my clinical social worker, my shrink and my Dr. are going to work together and we will do a slow detox at home. I’m just so damn happy to be out of there, wrong place, wrong time. I see my 3 people Monday so will have more news then. Thank you all for your support.

DETOX

Detox off prescription drugs and alcohol

Jan 25 2015

I am going into inpatient detox on Tuesday morning.   They say how long I stay (2 or 3 weeks) will depend on how i cope with withdrawal.  After withdrawal there is a 1 week program on keeping sober which i can attend or they might decide (we together that is) if a 28 day inpatient detox would be helpful.  I’d like to keep an up to date running commentary on my detoxification/withdrawal but we have no use of electronics of any sort, so instead i will journal daily and when I’m allowed back on line I will post these reports, 2 or 3 days worth, or even just 1 day if it was a long entry.  So keep your eyes out!!  Here is a link to all my drugs I take, some are valid medical prescriptions, the ones I abuse and need to detox off of are: K-pins (clonazepam), Serax, Baclofen, Seroquel, Flexeril, Lyrica,and Alcohol.  I was checking all the interactions on a medical site and i will definitely O.D. if i don’t stop.  Wish me luck!