Losing it.

I went hypomanic last month and am now suffering fallout. I had a great month. I got so much done, pictures organized, shelves cleaned and organized, clothes tried on and organized, organized, organized and organised! Then, as I couldn’t sleep, or relax, or stop my brain, and my body was breaking down from the constant physical and mental exertions, I called my shrink and she said to  up my mood stabilzer. But I didn’t want to up it too much, as it causes stupidity and dopyness and weight gain and a thousand other things. So I upped it enough to stop the busy, busy, busy of my body but my mind seems to just be getting worse. I am completely unstable emotionally.  I burst out crying or fall into a frantic rage over nothing. I punched the shit out of the fridge the other day cause I dropped my plate of food  (face down). I broke it off with my new boyfriend, said some unkind things to him, freaked out at my mother and stormed out, dropped a few friends, including one of over 20 years (for some felt slight), swore at hospital staff and have taken up drinking again. I’m thinking of running away up North and just disappearing from everyone’s life. I’m completely irrational and yet rational enough to know that. I probably should up my Seroquel more but ……Anyway, supposed to see my shrink next Tuesday. Will see if I last that long.

P.S. The hypomania caused me to drive myself physically so now my CFS is in major relapse, with swollen glands, sore throat, severely weakened limbs and constant exhaustion…so, yeah!


How I Experience Depression 

​ When I’m becoming  depressed I usually start off eating a lot of junk food, staring at the TV for hours, avoiding all phone calls, people and situations. I sleep 15-20 hours a day and don’t care. I don’t take care of my hygiene or eat or drink enough. I self medicate with benzodiazepines. And I obsess about everything in my past and worry constantly about the future. I get extremely irritable and anxious and sometimes quite agitated. I often think of overdosing several times a day.

 I do see a physiatrist but we can not seem to find the right meds since last year when my Paxil stopped working.  My depression always gets worse in the winter from having S.A.D, but I also suffer from bipolar depression, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder mood swings, plus have a chronic illness. It all adds up!!  How does your depression affect you? 

Adrenal insufficiency 

​It seems a lot of my current symptoms turned out to be related to my Addison’s, not my CFS or depression alone. I increased my hydrocortisone from 20 mg to 40 mg and feel completely different. Normally this is the ‘stress’ dose used when the body has an infection, Injury etc., but I’m staying on it for awhile, until my adrenals recover. 

When my cortisol is too low, it means my adrenals are not producing enough. The most common symptoms are severe fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle weakness, irritability, and depression. These are the exact things I’ve been having but I just thought it was my CFS acting up, an infection, seasonal depression and a stomach flu. Now all my symptoms are gone.

I’ll be seeing my endocrinologist in March. We need to get my dose straightened out so this doesn’t happen again. What a waste I didn’t realize sooner.

So discouraged

I’m not having an easy time lately. My mental health is iffy with a lot of anxiety, for months now, and depression setting in pretty hard this week. I’m in constant pain because of my back and something is going on with my CFS/ME. I’m completely drained and mostly bedridden. Because of this I missed three physiotherapy sessions, plus one of my DBT coping skills classes.

I’m so very, very frustrated .  I have no answers. I just have to try to hold on, rest, get to physiotherapy and class when I’m able, and wait till January 10th to see my psychiatrist for possible solutions to lessen this gnawing anxiety and boost my mood a bit. Having my paxil poop out on me after 10 years has created a real disruption in my mood and trying all these new drugs has been a year long, not to successful trial.

My suicidal idealisation is becoming stronger each day as I feel I’m just too worn out to keep trying. If the thoughts get too strong I’ll have to go to the hospital, but I really don’t even have the motivation to deal with all that shit. Hours and hours waiting and I’m usually told there is no space, so they just increase my meds and tell me to go home. I’m just so tired of it all. I only keep going for my family. I’ll end this on a note of gratitude for them, the support they give me, the love and understanding .

Been a while

Boy. It’s been a long time since I wrote.  Today I’m off to the Environment clinic to see my Dr.  We’re going to talk about my IV.’ s,  as the last one I had was to strong and make me sick, it was called a Myer’s cocktail with Magnesium, Vit C,  and the B vitamins and seemed to be too much for my system to handle,  so we’ll talk about lowering the dose.

Also,  I want to try the fibromyalgia drug, Cymbalta, I hear it’s good for pain and energy, and also helps with depression and anxiety,  so it sounds perfect.
I have to go off the drug I’m on now as it altered my heart rhythm making my QT interval too long and posing risk of arrhythmia’s. Unfortunately,  as I drop the dose my anxiety  is coming back pretty strong so I have to get on something else fast.

My CFS has not been bad, I’m about 30 on the CFS rating scale. I was like a 10-20 most the summer,  so definitely an improvement. I’ll make it out about 2 days a week,  be up 1 or 2 days as long as I’m quiet , like reading,  and sleep (crash about 22 hours) 3 or 4 days a week.  I’m aiming for being up 5 to 6 days a week, but I need a protocol of some type to follow ie pacing strategies, daily short walks, easy stretching, good sleep patterns, mindfulness, the Cymbalta, IV ‘s, eating top notch foods and avoiding the gluten religiously and milk 90% of the time. Very hard to follow protocol though especially  when I’m depressed/anxious.

So I’m hoping the Cymbalta will help me with that and increase my motivation.
I go to school now, part time,  and I’m really enjoying that, tough it’s mind boggling sometimes. It’s been since 1996 since I was in school last.

Anyway,  here is the CFS rating scale for others like me out there and anyone interested in general. Enjoy the autumn,  Take care all.

CFS & Fibromyalgia Rating Scale

    
100   Fully recovered. Normal activity level with no symptoms.
90   Normal activity level with mild symptoms at times.
80   Near normal activity level with some symptoms.
70   Able to work full time but with difficulty. Mostly mild symptoms.
60   Able to do about 6-7 hours of work a day. Mostly mild to moderate symptoms.
50   Able to do about 4-5 hours a day of work or similar activity at home. Daily rests required. Symptoms mostly moderate.
40   Able to leave house every day. Moderate symptoms on average. Able to do about 3-4 hours a day of work or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
30   Able to leave house several times a week. Moderate to severe symptoms much of the time. Able to do about 2 hours a day of work at home or activity like housework, shopping, using computer.
20   Able to leave house once or twice a week. Moderate to severe symptoms. Able to concentrate for 1 hour or less per day.
10   Mostly bedridden. Severe symptoms.
0   Bedridden constantly. Unable to care for self.

Detox concurrent disorders program

I attended the program and this time made it 11 days 😡 I  was caught smoking and booted as I also was caught off “ward” 2x in one day. I’d been doing well.  They were reducing my benzodiazepine use (clonazepam ) by replacing it with  decreasing amounts of liquid valium. I was down to 2 daily doses of 7.5 ml valium plus 2 of 15 ml.  I’d started off at 80 ml/day (equivalent  to 4 grams clonazepam ),  so was down to 45 ml/day when I got the boot.
  I was so upset at myself, as I was handling things pretty good and had started daily group, which was really great. 4 days in group and I was really liking the things we were covering, plus we were doing recreation , going for supervised walks, I  had a good roommate and was keeping occupied reading and watching movies and going to night a.a. and n.a. meetings.  All ruined because I couldn’t stop smoking.
And I was smoking kinda openly cause I was upset that my roommate skedaddled to go turn tricks and my other friend had gotten the boot the night beforehand, as she was caught canoodling with a new intake and that’s an instant ticket out.
So, upset, I left and o.d.’ed on 3000mg seroquel and a 20 grams of clonazepam and ended up in the hospital, catheterized and in observation for 24 hours.   So stupid, I was pretty ashamed of myself and my behavior but it’s pretty typical borderline personality shite.
So, I crawled back home and my Dr. put me on 1.5 mg clonazepam as we figured I could withdraw the rest of the way myself and it was a therapeutic dose anyway. So, I’m still on that, but I haven’t abused benzodiazepines, opiates, alcohol or anything since, so I guess something sunk in and at least my time and theirs wasn’t totally wasted.  I hope I never have to go to detox ever again. Fingers crossed.

Couldn’t do it

Well, I only lasted 3 days¸ it wasn’t the detoxing part it was the place itself. We had one 100 foot hallway we could walk up and down (and up and down, and up…..you get the idea), no groups or therapy, just sitting and waiting, every hour like a day. I couldn’t cope with being locked up there. So now my clinical social worker, my shrink and my Dr. are going to work together and we will do a slow detox at home. I’m just so damn happy to be out of there, wrong place, wrong time. I see my 3 people Monday so will have more news then. Thank you all for your support.