Losing it.

I went hypomanic last month and am now suffering fallout. I had a great month. I got so much done, pictures organized, shelves cleaned and organized, clothes tried on and organized, organized, organized and organised! Then, as I couldn’t sleep, or relax, or stop my brain, and my body was breaking down from the constant physical and mental exertions, I called my shrink and she said to  up my mood stabilzer. But I didn’t want to up it too much, as it causes stupidity and dopyness and weight gain and a thousand other things. So I upped it enough to stop the busy, busy, busy of my body but my mind seems to just be getting worse. I am completely unstable emotionally.  I burst out crying or fall into a frantic rage over nothing. I punched the shit out of the fridge the other day cause I dropped my plate of food  (face down). I broke it off with my new boyfriend, said some unkind things to him, freaked out at my mother and stormed out, dropped a few friends, including one of over 20 years (for some felt slight), swore at hospital staff and have taken up drinking again. I’m thinking of running away up North and just disappearing from everyone’s life. I’m completely irrational and yet rational enough to know that. I probably should up my Seroquel more but ……Anyway, supposed to see my shrink next Tuesday. Will see if I last that long.

P.S. The hypomania caused me to drive myself physically so now my CFS is in major relapse, with swollen glands, sore throat, severely weakened limbs and constant exhaustion…so, yeah!


How I Experience Depression 

​ When I’m becoming  depressed I usually start off eating a lot of junk food, staring at the TV for hours, avoiding all phone calls, people and situations. I sleep 15-20 hours a day and don’t care. I don’t take care of my hygiene or eat or drink enough. I self medicate with benzodiazepines. And I obsess about everything in my past and worry constantly about the future. I get extremely irritable and anxious and sometimes quite agitated. I often think of overdosing several times a day.

 I do see a physiatrist but we can not seem to find the right meds since last year when my Paxil stopped working.  My depression always gets worse in the winter from having S.A.D, but I also suffer from bipolar depression, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder mood swings, plus have a chronic illness. It all adds up!!  How does your depression affect you? 

TRY TRY Again – Concurrent Disorder Program

Well, I now have an appointment for an assessment for an inpatient (3-4 weeks) program that provides graduated detox plus groups, activities, recreation, etc. every day, much more structured. I will talk to them and maybe see what that is like, sounds like they keep you pretty busy so you’re not just sitting biding your time but getting coping skills, assertiveness, relapse prevention skills.  it is a concurrent disorders program. Here is a blurb on the philosophy of concurrent disorders programs.

Concurrent Disorders

Concurrent disorders describes a condition in which a person has both a mental illness and a substance use problem. This term is a general one and refers to a wide range of mental illnesses and addictions. For example, someone with schizophrenia who abuses cannabis has a concurrent disorder, as does an individual who suffers from chronic depression and who is also an alcoholic. Treatment approaches for each case could be quite different.   People with concurrent disorders are frequently misidentified, as diagnosis can be more difficult because one disorder can mimic another. Relapse rates for substance use are higher for people with a concurrent mental disorder, as are the chances that symptoms of mental illness will return for those with a concurrent substance use problem. Depending on the setting, prevalence rates for concurrent disorders have been found to range from 20 to 80 percent.2  What is known conclusively, however, is that people with mental illness have much higher rates of addiction than people in the general population. Similarly, individuals with an addiction have much higher rates of mental illness than people in the general population. One large US study found that approximately a third of people with a mental or alcohol disorder had a concurrent disorder, and half of the people with drug problems had a mental disorder. A smaller study in Edmonton, Alberta had similar findings. In this study, almost a third of mentally ill individuals also had a substance use problem, almost a third of those with alcohol dependency also had a psychiatric diagnosis, and among illicit drug users, almost half had a mental illness.3  clients have the best success when both problems are addressed at the same time, in a co-ordinated way. The treatment approach usually depends on the type and severity of the person’s problems. A person might receive psychosocial treatments (individual or group therapy) or biological treatments (medications), or often both.

Withdrawal off psych. meds

I’m  afraid I’m getting more antisocial as I get older, more things grate on my nerves, I don’t know why. I feel like becoming a hermit.

Some of it may have to do with me and my Dr. weaning me off all these stupid psych. drugs I’ve been on, clonazepam for 5 years, seroquel for 3?  These drugs actually change your brain and how it works, and when you come off them you get rebound symptoms of why they put you on them in the first place but 5x worse.  That’s why I can only drop 1/4 tablet (0.25 mg) a month of the clonazepam.  I started at 3 mg, and am now down to 0.75 mg, so that’s good but I do get a lot of rebound anxiety. The other drug (quetiapine/seroquel) for mood swings/agitation/racing thoughts, I have reduced from 300 mg at the start of March to 100 mg.  Unfortunately, it’s going off the last bits of these drugs that causes the worse withdrawal symptoms.  I don’t care, I just want off them.  But it is making me kind of crazy : (

Pills, pills, everywhere – Supplements

These are all my nutritionals I take to try to give me more energy and make up for deficiencies, keep free radicals in check by being antioxidants, keep my insides moving, and make up for poor eating habits. I’d love to hear if there is anything you take that you find helpful.

Probiotic 30 billion cells x1/day
Magnesium Oxide 400 mg x2/day
B12 1000mcg x2/day
Vit D 1000 IU x 3/day
Greens + Multi 1 scoop daily (excellent source of vit A)
Bodylogix Woman’s Protien/Fibre powder 1 scoop/daily (helps me meet my protien/fibre goals)
Vit B50 x1/day
Vit C 500 mg 4-2x/day
Coenzyme Q 200 mg x1/day
Zinc 25 mg x1/day
Sea-Sel-200 Trace Mineral x1/day (mostly selenium)
Ecological Formulas Tri-salts (keep pH balanced and is an anti-drug) 1/2 tsp x2/day
Ultra Fibre 3 tabs/daily
Ca/Vit D chews x2/day (600mg Ca/400IU)
FeraMAX 150 Iron tab x1/week
Potassium Chloride/Gluconate 1/2 tsp (1200mg) daily
Krill Oil 1gram x1/day
Cranberry concentrate 1x/day (prevent bladder infections to which I’m prone)
Manganese 50 mcg (for prescription drug detoxification)
Psyllium (for bowels) 1 tbsp daily
Vita-Vim multi vitamin

This is just what has been suggested to me by various doctors, do not take anything without a doctor’s or nutritionists advice. I do not endorse or promote any particular named brands.

My Sordid Drug Affair

TWISTED!!!

TWISTED!!!

Drugs, drugs, drugs, which are good , which are bad

 

There is so much going on with me and drugs.  Not illegal drugs, not for awhile now, around 4 years since I played that game, but prescription drugs, used as prescribed and otherwise.  Today I took prescription drugs for recreation for the first time since Feb. 28th/2014.  I know that doesn’t seem like a long time but I felt I was doing pretty good.  I felt like drinking today, and I don’t know if it was because I argued with my boyfriend last night, and that triggered my borderline personality, or if it is because I am weaning myself off Seroquel (quetiepine?), which is my mood stabilizer for my borderline symptoms.

It’s weird because my borderline was not too bad for quite a while.  I was only taking seroquel 25 mg for sleep for a long time.  Then this last fall 2013 I slowly descended into depression, bad depression and my Paxil was not helping. I was taking 50mg and was barely functioning. I took a lot of my prescription drugs for recreation/off-label to numb myself.  I was taking seroquel, clonazepam, morphine (dad’s), ativan (mom’s), lyrica, gabapentin etc. all together in all different combos.  I was just curious if something might kill me off or at least take away the pain and give me a good high.

I became suicidal and in late Febuary I took whatever pills I could find and drank a pint of whiskey straight and ended up in the hospital.  I was only in the short stay unit and what they decided to do was raise my Paxil to 60 mg, and increase my  seroquel. They gave me 100 mg, then 200mg, then 300mg. They said they’d go to 600 mg if the side effects were not to severe, but I stopped them at 300 mg because I was a raging thirsty zombie.

So home I went and nothing happened, I was still just as depressed, I just slept through it all. March and most of April were just a blur of misery. I ate, I slept, i watched TV, repeat. I couldn’t enjoy my dog, my boyfriend, my family, the outdoors, nada.  SO, then, FINALLY, spring came to Nova Scotia.  And I started to feel better.  Just like that! I know I have S.A.D., I know NOW it’s getting more severe every year, and I told them that at the hospital, but they seemed more interested in labeling me as Bipolar 2 and/or Borderline Personality Disorder and stuffing me full of Seroquel to ‘control’ my moods.  Whatever.

Now it’s May and I’m feeling pretty good mood wise.  I had been on 3 mg Clonazepam/day since I was hospitalized in June. I decided to wean myself off, talked to my doctor and by dropping 0.25 mg every second week, starting in March, I am now at 1.5 mg Clonazepam/day and, knock on wood, it’s going OK, no withdrawal syndrome symptoms yet or anything.  So that made me happy, so then, I thought, WELL, I feel pretty good, now it is time to start dropping my Seroquel.  I talked to the pharmacist and she said talk to my Dr., but I didn’t, because I already know what he would say, right, we all do, he’d be like, “no, stay where you’re at, it’s working to keep you stable, blah, blah, blah”, but the thing is, even though I know this is probably right, I want to try reducing it anyway, just to see if it is responsible for my better mood or not.  A little experiment.

I dropped the Seroquel from 300 mg to 250 mg 2 weeks ago.  I took 25mg a.m, 25 mg p.m., and 200 mg at night.  All was fine, I felt better, more awake and aware, more motivated. Then last week I dropped another 50 mg, taking only 150 mg at night.  AND NOW THE PROBLEM.  I’m starting to feel a little too good, a little too happy, a little too excited, very, very talkative, motivated, and just darn, well, hypo-manic, I suppose.  BUT, this may be a temporary state, a side effect of dropping the medicine, not the medicine itself .  So, I’m going to stop reducing for now and WAIT AND SEE.  Maybe I just need a few weeks to adjust to the new dose before I feel stable again?

But, herein lies a problem.  I want to drink and I want to take pills, my borderline basics.  I really wanted to get drunk but only had black rum and no mix, so I said, fuck it, I’ll do a pill mash up.  And I took lyrica, clonazepam, seroquel and morphine. My promise to myself not to self medicate anymore down the drain.  And I felt like shit. I had a few floaty moments but mostly I felt dizzy, nauseous, and wired but tired.  Which is where I am now, very tired but too wound up from the lyrica (it always seems to make me hyper) to sleep.  And realizing that the Seroquel is probably a necessity right now.  Which I despise and hate.

So,there is my rant. It’s been a while, a long time, since I wrote, that was my mood and state of mind for the last year.  So very, very unmotivated.  Anyway, I hope to post more regularly, I wouldn’t want to disappoint my millions of followers! He He

Recent Events and Life Goals

Recently my bipolar went totally out of whack.  I’d been put on Abilify to help supplement my Paxil as I’d been depressed since December.  I was on it one month and it drove me into a terrible hypomanic state.  I could not sleep, I was smoking and eating up a storm, and my boyfriend said my personality changed completely.  After 1 month they took me off it but the effects kept lasting.

One day I went in for a scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist and kinda had a breakdown.  I walked over to the emergency 20 minutes away (in my slippers – my feet were so swollen as a side effect), and after a couple of hours they checked me in.  I only stayed 4 days, but they increased my Seroquel to 200 mg and set me up to start a day hospital program.  I came home feeling better and have been off the Abilify since June 4th.  I am better off the Abilify (all the side effects are gone…finally), though I still get some breakthrough depression.  I take 100 mg Seroquel at night and 25 to 50 mg during the day if I need it.  I will continue to cut back as I am able.

Day Hospital is an intensive 6 week course, where you stay in the city and go to the hospital on Mon, Tues, Thurs, and Fri.  It is from 9 AM to 2:30 pm on those days.  Wed. we have off to regroup and do our homework, rest etc.  Weekends we leave the lodge they set us up at, and come get and get reassigned to another room, which we share.  We get lunch supplied each day and my disability insurance may cover breakfast and supper at $5,50 each.  Not a lot, but a help.  I will have to get someone to come get me and bring me back on the weekends.  If I want to go home on Tues. night I can meet my sister at the bus stop on her way home from work and she can drop me off early Thurs. morning so I arrive there by 9 a.m..

My first appointment was an assessment and they gave me homework to do.  The following is the 5 goals I had to come up with for my day hospital stay.  I don’t know when I start yet, I’m doing a 3 day trial run at the end of this month to see if I like it, or can handle it, as it’s hard.

MY OVERALL PROGRAM GOALS

  • DAILY ROUTINE AND STRUCTURE IS MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS AND ALSO THE THING I NEED THE MOST IN MY LIFE. THE STRICTER FRAMEWORK I AM IN, THE BETTER I DO EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY, AND PHYSICALLY, SO THIS IS PRIME.
  • I HAVE VERY LITTLE CONTACT WITH THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I AM WITH MY FAMILY OR MY MAN OR BY MYSELF, THAT IS ABOUT IT. I NEED TO START TAKING TIME TO RECONNECT WITH MY FRIENDS, MAKE MORE FRIENDS, AND PARTICIPATE IN MORE SOCIAL ACTIVITIES AWAY FROM FAMILY.
  • I HAVE BEEN A CREATIVE PERSON IN THE PAST BUT HAVE LOST THE MOTIVATION AND DISCIPLINE OVER THE YEARS TO WRITE, PAINT, DRAW ETC. I WOULD LIKE TO RECONNECT WITH MY CREATIVE SIDE BY TAKING VARIOUS LESSONS IN GUITAR, PAINTING ETC.
  • MY PHYSICAL HEALTH IS VERY POOR. I LACK ANY NUTRITIOUS WAY OF EATING, AM ADDICTED TO SUGAR/FAT, AND HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING IN ANY PROPER EXERCISE, EVEN STRETCHING OR WALKING, DUE TO LACK OF MOTIVATION. I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE TO A HEALTHY EATING AND EXERCISE PLAN.
  • I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED SCHOOL, FOUND THE ROUTINE AND CHALLENGE TO HELP KEEP ME STABLE AND WOULD LOVE TO RETURN. IT WOULD BE PART TIME AS A DISABLED STUDENT, WORKING TOWARDS A B.A. IN ANTHROPOLOGY. MONEY, TRANSPORT, AND CONSISTENT ENERGY HAVE BARRED ME FROM REACHING THIS GOAL SO FAR.

So this is what I came up with.  Any comments??  I also had a to fill out a 6 page Story of my Life essay, I might post that later.   Wish me luck as I go off for my trial run.

PS I got a puppy 1 month ago, during my manic phase, I’m not sorry I love him to death, but it will be so hard to leave him with my boyfriend for 6 weeks that I don;t know if I’ll be able to do it.  Here are some pics of him.  It is my sister’s dog withIMAG0146 IMAG0150 920945_10151704064090465_1113639015_o 2013-06-14 18.40.25 him.1049082_10151704065310465_1282796056_o