Losing it.

I went hypomanic last month and am now suffering fallout. I had a great month. I got so much done, pictures organized, shelves cleaned and organized, clothes tried on and organized, organized, organized and organised! Then, as I couldn’t sleep, or relax, or stop my brain, and my body was breaking down from the constant physical and mental exertions, I called my shrink and she said to  up my mood stabilzer. But I didn’t want to up it too much, as it causes stupidity and dopyness and weight gain and a thousand other things. So I upped it enough to stop the busy, busy, busy of my body but my mind seems to just be getting worse. I am completely unstable emotionally.  I burst out crying or fall into a frantic rage over nothing. I punched the shit out of the fridge the other day cause I dropped my plate of food  (face down). I broke it off with my new boyfriend, said some unkind things to him, freaked out at my mother and stormed out, dropped a few friends, including one of over 20 years (for some felt slight), swore at hospital staff and have taken up drinking again. I’m thinking of running away up North and just disappearing from everyone’s life. I’m completely irrational and yet rational enough to know that. I probably should up my Seroquel more but ……Anyway, supposed to see my shrink next Tuesday. Will see if I last that long.

P.S. The hypomania caused me to drive myself physically so now my CFS is in major relapse, with swollen glands, sore throat, severely weakened limbs and constant exhaustion…so, yeah!


How I Experience Depression 

​ When I’m becoming  depressed I usually start off eating a lot of junk food, staring at the TV for hours, avoiding all phone calls, people and situations. I sleep 15-20 hours a day and don’t care. I don’t take care of my hygiene or eat or drink enough. I self medicate with benzodiazepines. And I obsess about everything in my past and worry constantly about the future. I get extremely irritable and anxious and sometimes quite agitated. I often think of overdosing several times a day.

 I do see a physiatrist but we can not seem to find the right meds since last year when my Paxil stopped working.  My depression always gets worse in the winter from having S.A.D, but I also suffer from bipolar depression, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder mood swings, plus have a chronic illness. It all adds up!!  How does your depression affect you? 

Adrenal insufficiency 

​It seems a lot of my current symptoms turned out to be related to my Addison’s, not my CFS or depression alone. I increased my hydrocortisone from 20 mg to 40 mg and feel completely different. Normally this is the ‘stress’ dose used when the body has an infection, Injury etc., but I’m staying on it for awhile, until my adrenals recover. 

When my cortisol is too low, it means my adrenals are not producing enough. The most common symptoms are severe fatigue, loss of appetite, weight loss, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, muscle weakness, irritability, and depression. These are the exact things I’ve been having but I just thought it was my CFS acting up, an infection, seasonal depression and a stomach flu. Now all my symptoms are gone.

I’ll be seeing my endocrinologist in March. We need to get my dose straightened out so this doesn’t happen again. What a waste I didn’t realize sooner.

Guilt and Shame

A good, concise piece from a fellow blogger, who suffers from CFS and depression, about the feelings of guilt and shame many of us live with.

 

The Fight Against Myself

Having an invisible illness brings a lot of judgement and opinions from others and a lot of time it’s negative and hurtful.  Living with Depression and Chronic Fatigue is hard enough as it is without other people making me feel worse about something I cannot change.

Before my Fiancé met me, he had never met someone affected by depression and anxiety and I think it shocked him to see how much it affected me.  He didn’t understand Depression and it took a while for him to get used to the condition but he made the effort to learn about it and support me as much as possible.  The anxiety was hard for him to deal with because he is such an outgoing person who loves to socialise and it caused a lot of stress in the relationship but we both eventually learned how to compromise and he learned my boundaries and…

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So discouraged

I’m not having an easy time lately. My mental health is iffy with a lot of anxiety, for months now, and depression setting in pretty hard this week. I’m in constant pain because of my back and something is going on with my CFS/ME. I’m completely drained and mostly bedridden. Because of this I missed three physiotherapy sessions, plus one of my DBT coping skills classes.

I’m so very, very frustrated .  I have no answers. I just have to try to hold on, rest, get to physiotherapy and class when I’m able, and wait till January 10th to see my psychiatrist for possible solutions to lessen this gnawing anxiety and boost my mood a bit. Having my paxil poop out on me after 10 years has created a real disruption in my mood and trying all these new drugs has been a year long, not to successful trial.

My suicidal idealisation is becoming stronger each day as I feel I’m just too worn out to keep trying. If the thoughts get too strong I’ll have to go to the hospital, but I really don’t even have the motivation to deal with all that shit. Hours and hours waiting and I’m usually told there is no space, so they just increase my meds and tell me to go home. I’m just so tired of it all. I only keep going for my family. I’ll end this on a note of gratitude for them, the support they give me, the love and understanding .

Struggling 

I have not been well the last 2 weeks and only managed 3 walks  (6 min) per week. I feel completely drained.  I think it’s from the very busy days I have on Thursdays. I go to physiotherapy, have a 2 hour class and drive 1 1/2 hours plus usually run an errand, like picking up my mail, after weeks unattended.

Anyway, I am bedridden 3 day’s after, not able to cook or even get enough fluids down me. I feel extremely weak. I don’t know if the severe fatigue is from having such a busy day on Thursday or the core building exercises the physiotherapist gave me, or a combination of both.

I HAVE to do the exercises though. My back has been so bad since January, and the pain is not helping my fatigue or overall mood. They would be easy exercises for most, but they are difficult and tiring for me because of my severe deconditioning. I do still do them almost every day, even if it’s the only thing I can do.

I’m really worried about this week as I have physiotherapy tomorrow and Thursday plus class. Wish me luck.

Update: missed Tuesday physiotherapy session as too exhausted.  Am becoming increasingly depressed, agitated and anxious.  I have no motivation and barely care about anything. I don’t see my psychiatrist till mid January. I don’t know if this is S.A.D, my my dad’s recent death or medication related. Sucks.

PACING WITH CFS/ME/FIBRO

Pacing is so hard. I only know too well. I spent my  first 5  years with CFS  driving myself beyond even what a healthy person would.  I was in complete  denial and thought the more I forced myself that it would go away. Of course, it just became worse and worse and make my CFS chronic and severely ingrained.   

Since then I struggle heavily with trying to pace myself. I just can’t seem to do it. I get really, really overexcited when I’m stimulated in any way, like listening to good, upbeat music, etc.  In company I  I get so overexcited I wear myself right out and  crash for days and am tired for weeks after. Overactive sympathetic nervous system they say. Kinda a constant  fight or flight thing. Neurons firing in a frenzy.

So for me to pace myself I need a very calm, routine, almost hermit like life so that my energy can  stabilize. Once my CFS become stable (my baseline) I can then work on slowly building myself up.

Too bad I have to choose between having a life, going out, visiting, and just having fun, or a quite, lonely, but paced life, where I don’t constantly crash. I swing between these two poles all the time.

I really have to master the pacing strategy before its too late, before I get worse and worse. I find I’m getting worse as I get older. I am becoming weaker, have no endurance, and need to sleep/rest more and more, after doing less and less.

I guess this means I’ll have to lean far to the more lonely side of life for maybe a year.  And also learn to better control and calm my nervous system through meditation, mindfulness etc., which I take classes for.  Then I can slowly start exposing myself to, and hopefully withstanding, more outside stimulation without it making me crash. Wow. This is a huge long post. Sorry.  Hope it makes sense.