Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up depressed, stressed and anxious. It seems that the increased dose of Seroquel (200 mg) is doing absolutely nothing for my depression or borderline or mood swings or anything except helping me to sleep. Because I felt so horrible all day I turned to my 2 main crutches at the moment, food and over-medicating.
First I started with the ice cream, then more ice cream with smarties on top. I’ve already gained so much weight lately, between the Abilify and the Seroquel, so eating like this just maKES ME MORE DEPRESSED AS I COMTEMPLATE MY FAT. I’VE GAINED ABOUT 20 LBS OR 25 Maybe. (sorry, caps on, too lazy to retype). I then mixed up a quarter batch of brownie batter from the Fry’s cocoa jar recipe and ate that raw. Between the ice cream, smarties and raw brownie dough I racked up 1800 calories, over my limit of 1600 per day (my calorie goal for losing 3 lbs month). But I didn’t just eat that, I ate my regular meals too so I ended up at 3061 calories for the day.
Then I became really depressed so I took a clonazepam, 2 75 mg Lyrica and 100 mg seroquel. This combo bombs me out, right into outer space, I get stoned off lyrica for some reason and the clonazepam boosts that. Don’t know why I added in the seroquel but I woke up this morning still very stoned.
Now today, I took a clonazepam and 2 lyrica again but don’t feel ‘high’ enough to escape myself, and my fat, so I’m taking another clonazepam and 25 mg seroquel. I also just finished whipping up and eating another 1/4 batch of brownie dough and eating it raw. God, I hate myself. I better get into day hospital fast before i end up O.D.’d or just fat beyond belief, with diabetes to boost, slow suicide.
Today doesn’t suck as bad, I guess because I was still stoned this morning and have kept myself that way, so excuse me if this is rambling a lot. Got to get a hold of myself. My shrink told me if I played with my meds like that she’d dump me, but really I don’t give a $%^%&&^ right now, she’ll never know anyway, I’m a great liar. Loathing Myself, Dee.